Over the past month, I embarked on a deeply personal journey to navigate the grief of losing several cherished individuals in my life. Thirteen years ago, I faced the unexpected loss of my husband. Recently, I learned about the passing of a former lover to cancer. Additionally, I’ve been grappling with the realization that my relationship with my family, as I perceived it growing up, was not what I thought it was.
In reflecting on these experiences, I now understand that I have already grieved these losses. Through a process of emotional alchemy, I transformed the pain into something positive. After my husband’s passing, I channeled my grief into growing a small 230-kid soccer club into a thriving 950-kid club within a few years. The grief from learning about my former lover ignited a fire within me, leading to a profound realization of my worthiness and the courage to start my own business. The estrangement from my family fueled my determination to pursue a Master’s Degree and engage in deep shadow work.
Yet, the universe continued to gently guide me towards healing the lingering grief that still resided within me. During a moment of reflection, inspired by a poignant image, I finally understood what the universe was asking of me. It wasn’t about grieving the losses I had experienced, but about grieving what I never had but always longed for—a deep, unspoken, felt sense of love in a partnership. A love that makes you feel seen, safe, and certain that you are accepted for being authentically yourself.
Transforming Grief into Growth
The journey of grief is often portrayed as a linear path, but in reality, it is a complex and multifaceted process. Each loss we experience carves out a unique space within us, and how we fill that space can define our healing journey. For me, the loss of my husband was a catalyst for transformation. In the wake of his passing, I found solace and purpose in nurturing a small soccer club. What started as a modest group of 230 kids blossomed into a thriving community of 950 young athletes. This endeavor was not just about soccer; it was about creating a space where children could find joy, camaraderie, and a sense of belonging—things I desperately needed myself.
Similarly, the grief from losing my former lover to cancer became a turning point. It ignited a fire within me, pushing me to recognize my own worth and take bold steps towards my dreams. This newfound courage led me to start my own business, a venture that was as much about proving my capabilities to myself as it was about financial success. The estrangement from my family, though painful, became a driving force behind my academic and personal growth. Pursuing a Master’s
Degree and engaging in deep shadow work were acts of reclaiming my identity and healing old wounds.
The Unseen Grief
Despite these strides, there was a lingering grief that the universe gently nudged me to address. It was during a moment of quiet reflection, inspired by a poignant image, that I finally understood the nature of this unresolved sorrow. It wasn’t about the tangible losses I had endured, but about grieving what I never had—a deep, unspoken, felt sense of love in a partnership. A love that makes you feel seen, safe, and certain that you are accepted for being authentically yourself.
This realization was both liberating and heartbreaking. I had been deprived of these experiences by people who claimed to love me but were only invested in their own highest good. Before my healing journey, I had a tendency to love individuals who were cruel to me behind my back, financially and emotionally leveraged my feelings for their gain, and exploited my weaknesses to boost their sense of power and importance. I acknowledge that I provided the perfect setting for this to occur by not having boundaries and not knowing my true worth and what I deserved.
Embracing the Future
Now, as I stand on the precipice of this new understanding, I recognize the importance of grieving the longing for what never was. This reflection is not just about mourning the past but also about opening my heart to the future. It’s about embracing the possibilities of what could be and allowing myself to experience the love and connection that we all deserve and desire.
Grief, in its many forms, has been a powerful teacher. It has taught me resilience, self-worth, and the importance of boundaries. It has shown me that even in the depths of sorrow, there is potential for growth and transformation. As I continue on this journey, I hold onto the hope that the love and connection I seek are not just possible but are waiting for me in the future. And with this hope, I move forward, ready to embrace whatever comes next.
Comments