Guilt, Shame, and Reclamation: Navigating the Hidden Depths of Emotion

Guilt and shame are emotions that most people can identify and name—experiences they consciously recognize as part of their internal narrative. But for those of us with alexithymia, the relationship with these emotions is more complex. Alexithymia, often described as “emotional blindness,” is a condition that makes it difficult to identify and articulate emotions. Instead of surfacing as recognizable feelings, guilt and shame linger beneath the surface, manifesting somatically in the body or indirectly through behaviors.

For me, guilt and shame have always been present, shaping my interactions and actions in ways I didn’t fully understand until I started untangling the threads of my experiences. They don’t present themselves as obvious emotions but rather as a sense of heaviness, physical tension, or patterns of overcompensation. In this post, I’ll share how these emotions show up, how I’ve learned to navigate them, and how they’ve become unexpected catalysts for growth and reclamation.

Understanding Alexithymia and Hidden Emotions

Alexithymia affects how emotions are processed and understood. Instead of experiencing guilt and shame as conscious feelings, I often find their presence in my body—a tightness in my chest, a knot in my stomach, or a restless energy that pushes me to act. These somatic manifestations are my body’s way of signaling that something is unresolved, even if my mind struggles to name it.

This disconnect between emotional awareness and physical experience can make it challenging to address guilt and shame directly. While others might feel a pang of guilt or a wave of shame that prompts reflection, I often find myself responding to these emotions without fully understanding why. It’s only through introspection—sometimes long after the fact—that I can begin to piece together the underlying causes.

Dr. Stephen Porges, the creator of the Polyvagal Theory, explains how our autonomic nervous system reacts to emotional stress. For those with alexithymia, the body often becomes the primary communicator of emotional distress, as feelings are harder to consciously access. This means that guilt and shame can drive behaviors—like perfectionism, avoidance, or people-pleasing—without my fully realizing their origins.

The Weight of Unseen Guilt and Shame

For me, guilt often manifests as an unrelenting pressure to do more, to be more, to fix everything for everyone. It’s not a thought that I consciously recognize but a physical drive that compels me to act. Shame, on the other hand, shows up as a deep, pervasive sense of not being enough—a heaviness that lingers in my body and colors how I perceive myself and my interactions.

One of the challenges of alexithymia is that these emotions feel less like stories I can rewrite and more like undercurrents that steer my actions. I might overcommit to responsibilities or over-apologize in relationships, not because I’m actively aware of guilt or shame, but because my body feels an urgency to correct or prove something. The somatic nature of these feelings adds a layer of complexity, as I must learn to interpret my body’s signals to understand what’s truly driving me.

Navigating the Disconnect: Sitting with the Body

Learning to navigate guilt and shame has meant learning to listen to my body in ways I never did before. Traditional approaches to processing emotions, like talking about how I feel, often fall short because I don’t have the words to describe what’s happening internally. Instead, I’ve turned to practices that help me tune into my physical experience and bridge the gap between body and mind.

1. Body Awareness Practices: Techniques like mindfulness and somatic therapy have been invaluable. By paying attention to sensations in my body, I’ve begun to recognize patterns—like the tightness in my chest that signals unacknowledged guilt or the sinking feeling in my stomach that hints at shame. These practices help me pause and investigate rather than react impulsively.

2. Journaling Through Actions and Patterns: Instead of journaling about emotions I struggle to name, I journal about my actions and behaviors. I ask myself questions like: Why did I feel compelled to say yes to this request? Why do I feel uneasy in this interaction? Through this process, I can trace the threads back to the guilt or shame that may be influencing me.

3. Engaging the Polyvagal System: Practices like deep breathing, grounding exercises, and gentle movement help calm my nervous system, creating space for self-reflection. By regulating my body’s stress response, I can approach guilt and shame with greater clarity and curiosity.

Reframing Guilt and Shame as Guides

One of the most profound shifts in my journey has been learning to see guilt and shame not as enemies but as guides. Even though I don’t experience these emotions in the typical way, they still carry messages about my values, my boundaries, and my relationship with myself. Reframing them as opportunities for growth has been a key part of my healing.

• Guilt as a Compass: Guilt, when unacknowledged, can feel like an unrelenting pressure to act. But when I pause to interpret its message, I often find that it’s pointing me toward misaligned expectations or unmet needs. For example, if I feel driven to overextend myself, I now ask: Am I doing this out of genuine care, or am I trying to alleviate guilt that isn’t mine to carry?

• Shame as a Teacher: Shame has been the harder of the two to face because it feels tied to my very identity. Yet, by exploring its somatic presence, I’ve begun to see it as a reflection of wounds that need compassion. It challenges me to rewrite the story that says I am only as good as what I can offer others.

Dr. Gabor Maté, who explores the connection between trauma and the body, reminds us that emotions like guilt and shame are adaptations—they develop as survival mechanisms to navigate relationships and protect ourselves. This perspective has been instrumental in my journey, helping me approach these emotions with curiosity rather than judgment.

Steps Toward Reclamation

Reclaiming myself from the hidden grip of guilt and shame is an ongoing process, but there are practices that have been particularly transformative in my journey:

1. Listen to the Body: Develop a habit of checking in with your body throughout the day. Notice where tension, heaviness, or unease arises, and use these sensations as starting points for reflection.

2. Question the Drive to Act: When you feel compelled to act, pause and ask yourself: What’s motivating me? Am I responding to an external obligation or an internal pressure?

3. Reframe Mistakes: When shame surfaces, remind yourself that imperfection is part of being human. Reflect on Dr. Brené Brown’s insight that vulnerability—not perfection—is the foundation of connection and belonging.

4. Build a New Narrative: Write down the values and qualities that you want to define your life. Use these as anchors when guilt or shame threatens to pull you off course.

5. Seek Supportive Practices: Somatic therapies, mindfulness techniques, or working with a therapist familiar with alexithymia can provide tools to navigate these complex emotions.

Moving Forward

For those of us with alexithymia, guilt and shame are often hidden, shaping our actions and interactions in subtle yet profound ways. They don’t announce themselves loudly; they whisper through the body, urging us to pay attention. My journey has been one of learning to listen to these whispers, to interpret their messages, and to use them as stepping stones toward growth and self-compassion.

To anyone navigating similar experiences, I offer this encouragement: Your emotions, even when they feel out of reach, are not your enemy. They are guides, inviting you to deepen your understanding of yourself and reclaim your sense of worth. By listening to your body, questioning your actions, and embracing imperfection, you can transform guilt and shame into powerful allies on your journey of healing.