I am not hurt, but I am hurting...
I find the more I try to simplify my life, the more chaotic it becomes. Like the biggest fear from my childhood, I feel I am stuck in quicksand. I push ahead, always with a smile on my face. That is because I have always been this way. I don't get angry, I don't get upset, I don't get mad, or at least not that anyone ever sees. I listen & read about other's lives & how hard they can be. Even with my lion's share of challenges, I'm glad I don't hold their problems as my own.
I throw myself into project after project so I don't have to deal with the ghosts of my past. Boxes & boxes of "stuff", from our move after my husband passed, sit untouched in closets, the office, the garage, the barn because I just can't physically & emotionally make it through them without getting sick. About a year ago I wander the halls of our home realizing a women in mourning, even if she didn't believe she was, should not be allowed to pick paint colors for her home... our new home has become an extention of my grief through the beautiful deep dark tones I choose. Unfairly thought, my children were made to live surrounded in my sadness. I have since repainted my home to a lighter color pallette, but for 6 years the main part of the home reflected my deepest pain.
There is nothing more confusing then being a high functioning depressed person. Your spirit is telling you that you are sick or need help, while your brain & body are saying "fuck that" your fine. If you are the type of person who "just keeps swimming" it becomes easy for others to tie their lassos to your tail. They use your strength & determination to get them through their lives as well.Some days it is a blessing to be so "strong". You hold yourself together so well that you barely realize you were even cut. Other days it is a curse, as you begin to bleed out still not realizing you need help.
All I know for sure is that I am trying. Each day I set my intentions & my goals then I work towards the next best me that I can be. We have all been cut by life's challenges at one time or another. Not a single one of us is immune to life's damages. We just need to figure out how best to live through what we have experienced, how to cultivate these challenges into new life skills, so that we all become the next best version of ourselves. That way we are better prepared to face life's next challenge.
