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Shaped by Love 💘

Updated: Sep 8, 2021

I have had the pleasure of falling in love multiple times in my life. Sometimes just for a moment or two. Other times for days, weeks, years, decades... However, to date there has only been 3 times I have been head over heels smitten, irrationally lead, & completely vulnerable. Each time I love I learn & experience life differently, each time I grow, each time is a challenge. I am grateful for every opportunity I have been given in this lifetime to know love & intimacy, especially toward the three I was out of my mind crazy in love.

The first time I was head over heels I was in my teens. We were very close and each other's confidant, we knew more about each other than we did ourselves. I experienced so much growth through our time as friends, our brief dating relationship, & our estrangement. My heart & soul went through every emotion with this one, we knew humor, joy, laughter, loss, grief, fear & strife & sometimes all in the same day. Our relationship exposed me to someone with incredible raw talent hidden behind serious doubt & lack of self-confidence & their angst & pain was my angst and pain too. I held out such hope for us but when the dust of lust & the emotional envelopment wavered my eyes were opened to what wouldn't be & I had to accept it for what it was. I had an amazing 1st love that taught me a lot about who I was, what I wanted, why I wanted it, & where I needed to be to find it. I am so grateful to this incredible person for all they have shared with me in this lifetime. I thank you for being such an important part of who I am today.

The second time I was head over heels I was in my early twenties. We were both reeling from broken relationships when we found comfort in each other. This love taught me patience, temperance, prudence, humility, tolerance, hope, & wisdom. This relationship came like a wind-fall and it move fast. We met online & with in 2 months we were living together. He moved 800 miles across country to be with me, talk about a grand gesture. Nine months later we were married, ten months after that we were parents. Whatever hard knocks life had to give we got & they came in almost rapid fire from loss of income to bankruptcy to family health concerns & loss to a total loss house fire to separation to divorce filing, to withdrawal of petition, to reconciliation... we ran the gauntlet of what life had to throw at us & it was hard. Two very different people emotionally trying to find common ground. It wasn't until after he passed that light was shed on our diversity. I, so deeply rooted into why people are the way they are & he seeming aloof to it all.

About 6 months after he passed one of our children was DXed with Aspergers & as I paged back through the years of our relationship it became pretty clear he must of had Aspergers as well. Not knowing this tested me daily on the emotional front, I questioned myself & my ability to love almost daily thinking at first I was broken or need help when in turn I just didn't know or appreciate how he experienced our relationship. This ramp of emotions cause me to deep dive so many times & from it I became stronger. I love deeper, I listen to hear, I am more observant of social cues, & I feel what isn't said. I am grateful for this relationship, for what I experienced with this man, for it has allow me to be who I am today. A stronger woman with a deep love for life & those around me. I thank you for being such an important part of who I am today.

The third time I fell head over heels I was in my early 30's & I was still married. It was during a time when I was emotionally broken & feeling so neglected in my current relationship. We were drawn together by similarly felt emotional neglect that sparked an enduring friendship & level of intimacy. I was happy just to talk to, just to spend time with this person with nothing in return. Understanding a shared appreciation for what we were both experiencing in life & being there for one another. I learned through this relationship that I am the only one who can love myself the way I deserve to be loved, I learned that it is not always me who is to blame for the lack of reciprocation in our feelings, I learned I can not be held accountable for the damage done to someone before I was there, & I learned how to see my true role or purpose in someone else's life. I grew so much from this relationship. I am so grateful to be given these experiences & to feel them so completely & so rawly so that I can use them to become a better person. I thank you for being such & important part of who I am today.

For those of you who are only focused on the part where I cheated on my husband... grow-up, One, you're missing the point...& two, I never cheated on my husband. "We were on a break" when I fell the third time & he was also in a relationship as well. This is to express how incredibly special each of these people were to me & how their love & friendship helped to shape the person I am today.

I am by no means perfect, I have & continue to make mistakes. I apologize & accept responsibility for those I have or do hurt... but without these experiences in my life I wouldn't be able to love like I do & feel like I can & for that I am blessed & grateful.

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